Saturday, May 27, 2006

my bad...

i had the instructions, the time, the candles and everything. it was all layed out and everthing i had to do was solidly in my mind. i had put my new latex tights on and rested on my bed with the red satin duvet under me to relax for 20 minutes beforehand.

i started exactly on time, lit them all and began the chanting...

it was really very simple series of short sentances but i _kept_ on mixing the order up what ever i did, and instead of visualising the latex tights becoming one with me and changing me i had to concentrate on getting the words in the right order. and i still mixed them up - even going into some sort of free style jazz word poetry improv when i was doing it. over and over, i couldn't get them in the right order for more than a few times.

i haven't sat crossed leg since i was at camp and after 10 minutes my bum and legs started to really hurt and i'd already screwed it up with the words. is it my dyselexia, can i not keep my eyes shut and repeat phrases out loud or what????

i did complete the required 30 minutes but as i had bodged it all so badly and that it had to be done so accurately i gave up in frustration.

i am _so_ hacked off with myself, i wanted to do this so badly it burned and my brain and my but let me down.

maybe there's another way, but then maybe there's no shortcuts and its just a matter of total conditioning....



Bradley said...

Sorry that your first try didn't go so happens with rituals that way. I feel your pain. But there will be other chances to try it again...some humble suggestions fornext time.

--if sitting cross-legged or in Lotus is too much for you, maybe you should try just sitting knees forward, on your lower legs, feet under butt (yoga folks call this the mountain position *I think*, could be wrong). And if that is too rough too, you can always try the Egyptian position (literally sitting in a chair, upright, back straight, feet on the floor). You didn't say body position was essential, so perhaps being able to stay comfortable is important.

--speaking of which...plan ahead. Give yourself a week in advance and just casually, on your own time, *memorize* the individual lines you have to say, one sentence at a time (per day?), without the peer pressure of the weblog upon you. :) Or the pressure to perform. It won't be easy, but it you can get at least the first half of the ritual committed to memory it will build confidence so that you will be much more likely to get the rest right.

--Most importantly. RELAX. This isn't performance art. You are NOT doing this for US, you are doing this for YOU. Keep this in mind. Remember our emails...the ritual is supposed to be in the tradition of *white* magick, meaning, respectful of reality and life...and who you are.

So if it feels right to do it jazz improv style, bebop and all, feel free...the important thing is to get it done. Intent matters as much, if not more than content, if you know what you are doing and *mean* it, the occasional word scramble shouldn't matter.

Hope this helps. And I hope you'll try again. :)

Asudem Latex said...

it was just such a disappointment that i screwed it up on the first session.... i was also very tense and apprehensive. my heart said yes yes, my mind said - not sure...

i think the length of time of it too, seemed more of an endurance for me than anything.

still i think i'm doing very well now with all the heel training and i do wear latex panties from moring till bed. maybe slower is better.

oh and i have my new eternity collar on....


WinterRose said...

Well... No actor gets it right without rehearsal. No hypnotic subject falls RIGHT under into a somnambulistic state. No one recites a speech bang on without practicing it even once. I gotta wonder...Nope. Earth sign, yes. Virgo, no. Got some Virgo in your stuff there? No-one's gets as bunged up over a flubbed detail as a Virgo. (Trust me on this.)

It makes me think of recording audio pieces. I'll invariably hit a line I just can't say without messing it up for the life of me. Then a truck will go by outside or something. Or an ambulance. And I'll just get all frustrated and!

-I'll take a breath. Be silent for a minute or so. Let the recording run. Then deliver the line just like I wanted to in the first place. As though I'd never got upset.

Sometimes it takes getting up and getting some water. Or stopping and doing something else for a few minutes. But the point is that no-one's aiming at you with a sniper rifle waiting for you to mess up. The universe will not divide by 0 and implode into your abode.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Really. That way lies madness. Trust me. I have a summer home out that way. It's hot, humid, and it smells like baloney sandwiches on grilled marshmallow and rubber. And the colours... ohhh the colours... (AHEM!) Anyway. Still wishing you the best of luck. Only now I'm wishing you inner peace as well.